‘Why did this happen to us?’, ‘What did I do wrong?’, ‘What if I had done something different?’, ’ What if we can’t have a baby?’ are examples of some of the questions that can torment parents following miscarriage.

However, in our search for understanding, it is important to remember that the quality of the answers we receive depends on the quality of the questions we pose (John D.Martini).

So the question ‘what did I do wrong?’ can only lead you to find evidence of what you did wrong. All other information is filtered out. It serves only to add to the guilt, anger, sadness etc. that you may be feeling.

A different kind of enquiring can allow your mind to see a bigger picture. For example:

‘How can I allow this experience to bring more love into my life, my relationship and my family?’

‘What positives can I take from it? (e.g. allowing yourself to receive support, a new understanding of love, or letting go of feeling responsible for others)….and

‘What was the gift our baby came to give us?’

By giving yourself time to focus on these kinds of questions, you are caressing yourselves with the compassion you both deserve now and opening up to the possibility that something beautiful can come from your baby’s short life.

If it feels right, you can explore these with your partner and write down your answers. In this way, you can come to an new understanding that nourishes and nurtures you both.

With love,

Deirdre  Morris